Okay, so I was actually reallllly terrified to post anything about discipline for so long because it seems to be such a sensitive subject. Everyone gets so uptight and offensive over it. But, my word for this year is “fearlessness” soooo….here goes…
First, allow me to literally DEFINE “discipline”.
Discipline, in it’s simplest form, just means “to teach”.
Along the way, the word has gathered new meanings and methods. We associate discipline with punishment or as a means of re-training children.
I’d like to encourage us all to get back to the simplest form. Jesus had disciples. He taught them. Did he spank them when they got it wrong or did he allow them to learn through natural consequences?
I have a pet peeve. A problem that I see is that people seem to believe that discipline = spanking or not. I am not here to tell you how to discipline (teach) your kids. I’m not here to say to spank or not to spank. I just want to be sure that you realize it’s not punish or not. It’s not “spank the kid or they get away with everything”. There are many many many forms of discipline.
Spanking is not the only way. Spanking is not even the “best” way.
I realize this is going to come across as controversial…but spanking is just the “easiest” way. If you just spank a child for everything they do, then you don’t have to think about anything. You only have one tool in your parenting tool box.
Does a handyman get everything done with only a hammer?
I would love to encourage you to ask yourself about your child’s personality. How do they learn best? How do YOU learn best?
If your boss needs something done ASAP…what will get them the best results? Should they come into your office yelling and demanding that you drop whatever you’re doing right now and get to it? Or…would they get better results by asking you to join them for lunch so you can discuss a plan to get this job done…maybe even together?
Adults are often given more grace and understanding than children…and we adults at least have all of the words needed to communicate our needs.
Maybe step one should be ensuring that our children are able to find the words to express their feelings and needs. If they can’t find the words, help them.
Next? Listen to them. It takes vulnerability to use our words, so we must respect our children and encourage them when they do use their words.
Once the lines of communication have been established, be sure you are using your words as well. If you mess up…if you lose your temper…if you don’t use your words in the heat of the moment…apologize. Go back to them and let them know that you’re sorry. I know this may be super difficult. It may feel like pouring salt on a wound…but doing this will help them to see you as human. We all mess up. It’s important for our kids to grow up knowing that it’s okay to be human. It’s okay to mess up. We don’t have to be perfect…but we do need to treat each other with respect. We do need to use our words. We do need to apologize when we’re wrong. Teach by example.
I know there are various forms of discipline. Some choose to spank, some choose time out, some choose time in, some take things away. I’m not going to say which way is best. I’m just asking you to realize that their are different methods…and what works for one family won’t work for every family. What works for one child may not work for another child even in the same family. This is why there are so many parenting books! This is why I would never tell someone exactly how to parent their child. But…it’s not one way or nothing. Find what works for YOUR child.
I strongly believe that by keeping open lines of communication, respecting our children as humans, and admitting when WE mess up..are the keys to getting on a path to peace.